Hand-Tossed Spicconi
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Transcript[edit | edit source]
Royal Caribbean Cruise
Katelyn Salem: Hi. We’re the Salems, and we’re on a cruise in the Bahamas. And this is what we’re doing right now.
(Ryan, Tony, and Teresa Salem wave at the camera from behind Katelyn.)
("Intro" plays over the opening title screen.)
La Quinta Inn & Suites – 10:16 AM PST
Michael Aranda: There’s an adult superstore across the street.
Todd Williams: Yeah, and they have, uh... “The Biggest Selection at the Lowest Prices.”
Michael: Last night, I put a GoPro on this window... to get a time lapse. And instead of putting it in time lapse mode, it was in single photo mode. So when I pushed the record button, it just took one picture...
(A picture of the view outside the windows of the hotel room is shown.)
Michael: of the street and the adult superstore across the street. (Sarcastically) Good job, Michael. You’re the best vlogger.
Todd: Listen, I'm—I’m sure... I’m sure even Spielberg at one time was just like, "Oops?! I only got o—one frame!”
Michael: I wonder what the biggest mistake Steven Spielberg has ever made is?
(Light drum machine music plays over the poster for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.)
Michael: I assume we will drive together all the way through eastern California.
Todd: Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Oh the—yeah there’s that long stretch, yeah.
Michael: My only question at this point is whether that In-N-Out down the street is open.
Carl's Jr.
Michael: We’re at Carl’s Jr. again, Todd’s favorite place. Uh, I ordered a burger that has, uh... “noino on.”
Driving South-east on I-15
(Light travel music plays over shots of the highway out the car windshield.)
(Michael drives past a U-Haul truck that is turned on it's side in the middle of the freeway. Lanes are blocked off by the police.)
Michael: (Into a walkie-talkie) Dude, check out this U-Haul.
Todd: (Over the walkie-talkie) These people look really upset.
Michael: That cop, though, is just having a jolly ole time.
(The walkie-talkie squawks.)
(Travel music continues.)
Michael: There is a woman running on the side of the road.
(Into the walkie-talkie) That was weird.
(The walkie squawks again.)
Todd: (Over the walkie-talkie) Yeah.
Outside the Chin's House – 1:48 PM PST
Michael: We made it. We made it to California.
(To Lem Chin) Woo! I made it.
Lem Chin: You, uh... got pants?
Michael: I got pants?
Lem: You got—you got pants?
Michael: I got shorts. Hello.
(Michael and Lem shake hands.)
Lem: Hello.
Michael: Hello.
Lem: Where’s the other criminal?
The Chin's House
Diane Chin: Oh my god!
Michael: Hi!
Diane: Merry Christmas!
Michael: Merry Christmas!
Diane: I didn’t expect you.
Michael: Was I—oh that’s not a time. What time is it? I think my watch died— Oh no, it’s uh... 1:50 PM.
Diane: Yeah?
Michael: 1:50 PM.
Diane: Well, I honestly thought there’d be a lot of traffic.
Michael: There’s some cookies right here.
(Stefan slowly eats a cookie.)
Michael: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
Stefan Chin: (With cookie in his mouth) Is it slow motion?
Michael: (Also with cookie in his mouth) No. I can make it slow motion though.
Costco
Michael: So our first order of business is coming to Costco to get things.
Stefan: We need vodka.
(Michael stumbles over his words chuckling.)
Michael: Vodka and limes, apparently.
Stefan: Limes.
Michael: Later we’re going to the airport to pick up Nicole, who’s flying in from Missoula today. Later than that, Katelyn is flying in from Florida. So I’m gonna go pick her up.
I don’t see any um...
(Michael grabs at the air.)
Stefan: Samples?
Michael: Samples.
Stefan: We're not—we’re not on the food side yet.
Michael: Mmm. I see a sample.
Stefan: No they’re just-they’re just...self-serving.
Michael: Oh. That’s not a sample.
(Michael points at a bottle of Suntory Whisky Toki.)
Does "whisky" have an "e" in it normally?
Stefan: So, I looked this up recently. Normally, I think– it’s American whiskeys have the "e" and Scotch whiskys do not. But then, like, both of these Japanese ones have different spellings, so, both correct.
(Michael is holding a bottle of Kikori Whiskey.)
Michael: I like that the bottle magnifies the text on the other side.
Stefan: (Impressed) Ooohh.
Michael: I can’t read it, but it’s cool.
Stefan: Yeah, I don’t know what it says.
Michael: This aisle right here – the frozen food aisle – this is my childhood. Marie Callender’s Pot Pies?! Dang! Got the pizzas... dinosaur chicken nuggets.
How do you tell what—what’s a good bag of limes?
Stefan: Mm, I don’t know. This one’s got some weird color action.
Michael: What does that mean?!
There are just so many people here.
Costco Saleswoman: —think you’re gonna li—I’m gonna watch you put in your mouth, though, ‘cause I wanna see you go, “Oh my god... I am mistaken.”
Di—did you get some with any hummus on it?
Michael: I did.
Saleswoman: Okay.
(Stefan laughs.)
Michael: I mean, it tastes like hummus.
Saleswoman: Does it taste like chickpeas?
Michael: It’s-it’s mostly the texture that I’m not into.
Saleswoman: Are you a texture guy?
Michael: Yeah.
Saleswoman: All right.
Michael: Thank you!
Stefan: I’ll finish it if you want...
Saleswoman: I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that. Have a merry Christmas.
Michael: You too!
Stefan: Thank you.
(Michael looks at several packages of beef jerky.)
Michael: I don’t understand why all beef jerk is so sugary. It doesn’t make sense.
(Michael points at some yellow lines on the ground.)
Michael: I don’t know what this means. Oh, wait—
Stefan: When it’s busy...
Michael: Okay, yes. You’re supposed to go this way. Okay.
Stefan: You should go first, though.
(Michael and Stefan are checking out at the counter.)
Michael: That was $145?
Stefan: It's all the alcohol.
Michael: Dang!
(To the cashier) I like your watch!
Costco Cashier: Oh, thank you! When you have a nice boyfriend that’s what happens.
Stefan: There you go.
Michael: That’s what happens.
Cashier: Have a good day.
Michael: I gotta get me a nice boyfriend!
Outside Costco
Michael: It’s all uh... stormy now.
(Stefan makes a sound of worry.)
Michael: It's gettin’ gray.
Stefan: Yeah.
(Michael points the camera at his partially eaten hotdog.)
Michael: It’s not too cold for a hot dog though.
The Chin's House – 3:15 PM PST
Michael: Which one are we rolling? The 6?
Stefan: 20.
Michael: The 20. This one- that one.
Stefan: Yeah. 14.
Bryan: You go first.
Michael: Okay.
Stefan: So that means I have the last turn.
Michael: So I put this down...
Stefan: Put one down.
Michael: ...and then I draw three of these.
Bryan: Yeah.
Michael: This is the game of “Evolution: The Beginning.” I’ve never played this before.
Stefan: Do this first.
Michael: This species as a whole takes three food?
Stefan: Yep.
Bryan: Yeees.
Stefan: Yep. This species as a whole right now can consume four food. You already need these two food to feed this one. So, you’re not going to be able to max out this—
(Background music fades in.)
Stefan: Does that make sense?
Michael: I think so.
Stefan: But then everything survives. It’s just you didn’t maximize the fat tissue... this turn.
Michael: Okay.
Bryan: But it does survive.
Stephan: But... (quietly) but, everything survives.
Michael: (Informatively) I didn’t maximize the fat tissue this turn.
Bryan: Oh, s***.
Michael: What’s the average play time of one game of this?
Bryan: I don’t know, 30 minutes, tops...?
(Stefan points at the game box.)
Stefan: 30 minutes.
Michael: Oh. Does it say tops?
(Michael laughs.)
Stefan: No, but it’s on the top of the box.
Michael: (Laughing) Oh-ho.
Bryan: This is true.
Stefan: Yeah...
(The lighting changes outside the kitchen windows.)
Bryan: So I made a new specie-o.
Stefan: Specie-onie.
Bryan: A Speccone. A spiccone.
Michael: Spicconi!
Bryan: A spicconi!
Stefan: (In an accent) I’d like the large spicconi.
Michael: (With a southern drawl) I’d like to order one hand-tossed spicconi.
Stefan: Oo.
(All three of them laugh.)
Bryan: Alright baby!
Stefan: Nocturnal burrowing CARNIVORE?!
(Bryan shrieks with excitement.)
Stefan: Okay.
Bryan: Okay, I create a new spiccone.
Stefan: A new spiccone.
Michael: Hey, can I get a deep-dish spiccone?
Bryan, you look like you’ve had some alcohol to drink.
Bryan: Yeahhhh...
(Michael laughs.)
Bryan: I do get red in the face.
Stefan: Super red.
Bryan: I also get splotchily red almost everywhere on my body.
Michael: (Inquisitively) Almost? Tell me more!
(Michael and Stefan laugh.)
Bryan: Sometimes when I drink enough my arm gets a little splotchy... Sometimes my calves...
Michael: Oh, my!
Bryan: My, uh... upper chest...
(Michael laughs.)
Bryan: Yes.
Michael: Uh... Well, I think it’s your turn.
Stefan: Yeah, why don’t you go ahead and take your turn?
Michael: Ya frickin’ hand-tossed spicconi.
(Bryan cracks up and Michael laughs.)
Stefan: What are ya? Some kind of hand-tossed spiccone?
(Michael and Bryan continue to laugh.)
(The sky outside is a deep blue as they finish the game.)
Michael: So, these don’t count, but these do?
Bryan: No, all of this. All of this counts as a point.
Bryan: Yes, all of them count. All of your cards count, baby.
Michael: Okay.
Stefan: All the cards count, baby!
Michael: Thanks, ya... spicconi.
Stefan: Spiccone.
Bryan: Yeah.
(Bryan starts laughing again.)
Stefan: Some kind of spiccone over here.
Stefan: 61.
Michael: 59.
Bryan: 64.
Stefan: Oh, you ***ch!
Michael: Oooh!
Stefan: I knew I should have attacked your spiccones more.
Bryan: (Laughing) Yeah.
In a Car at Los Angeles International Airport – 5:48 PM PST
Michael: I just found out that Katelyn’s flight is delayed by an hour, so she’s getting in at midnight thirty. Later than I was hoping to be awake this evening. Sometimes for friends you gotta do ‘em a solid.
We got Nicole! That’s her hair right there.
(Nicole plays with her hair from the front seat of the car.)
Michael: Yeeeeah!
The Chin's House – 10:12 PM PST
Michael: We got Nicole and brought her back and now, uh, it’s raining quite considerably. Just as I have to go pick up Katelyn from the airport.
Katelyn Salem's Jeep
(Cool jazzy music plays over a timelapse of Michael driving to the airport.)
Katelyn Salem's Jeep at Los Angelos International Airport – 12:01 AM PST
Katelyn Salem: Why you got so much stuff in my car?
Michael: So this... is... a silly situation for one in the morning.
Katelyn: Airports are busy... (chuckling) around Christmas.
Michael: How was your cruise?
Katelyn: It was nice. It was warm.
(Katelyn talks over videos she took on the cruise of timelapses off the side of the cruise ship, beaches in the Caribbean, and various events on the ship.)
Yesterday it was kinda rainy, but it was still nice. I went to an island called Co Co Cay in the Bahamas. That was probably my favorite part.
Michael: Was this your first cruise?
Katelyn: It was my first cruise.
Michael: How did you feel about cruising in general?
Katelyn: It was whatever.
(Katelyn laughs.)
Michael: It was whatever?
Katelyn: I-I felt like we were waiting around a lot for things? ‘Cause we were either waiting for events on the cruise to happen, or we were waiting for food to open, or we were waiting in line to get off the ship. So it just felt like there was a lot of waiting. I don’t know if that’s a thing for cruises normally? Or if it was just this cruise...
Michael: What, uh... cruise line was it?
Katelyn: Royal Caribbean.
Michael: All of the cruises that I’ve been on, except for one have been Royal Caribbean, and I don’t recall a lot of waiting.
Katelyn: —Yeah, I really liked going to all the different ports and stuff and getting off and you get to watch the sunset and the sunrise. It was really pretty to just be on the ocean. But I saw some sharks...
Michael: You saw some sharks?
Katelyn: I saw some sharks. This one guy was feeding a shark off the end of his boat, right by the docks. Uh, there was a shark swimming on... one of the islands that we—Not on the island but, (laughing) we were walking on the beach...
Michael: Just swimming on the sand?
Katelyn: We were walkin’ on the beach, and it was just right offshore from the island. We were watching it swim n’ circle around this school of fish. My dad went parasailing, and my brother went parasailing. I should’ve gone parasailing... I think I could have gone, but I also didn’t want to just leave my mom by herself, so.
We went to... Nassau?
Michael: Nassau?
Katelyn: (Emphasizing syllables) Nassau.
Michael: That’s different than NASA?
(Katelyn laughs.)
Katelyn: Yeah, but that place was just... stressful, I found, 'cause it was, basically just a big tourist trap. There were a bunch of people with their shops set up, and... waiting for you to get off of the cruise ship and asking you if you want to go on a cruise, and if you want to buy this thing, and like, putting bracelets on your wrist, and being like “here, you should buy it.”
(The camera shows Katelyn, Michael, and Lem in the Jeep at LAX again.)
Katelyn: Thanks for picking me up at one in the morning.
Michael: (Sadly) We’re probably not gonna make it to In-N-Out.
Katelyn: (Laughing) That’s okay. There are more days to go to In-N-Out.
("Outro" plays over the end screen.)
Referemces[edit | edit source]
- ↑ City found from Michael's Swarm feed.