Ass Kank
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Transcript[edit | edit source]
Silver Spring, Maryland
(Chloe Nagle is at the gym.)
Chloe: This is Chloe Nagle in Silver Spring, Maryland, and this
(The camera shows a treadmill display on lap one and then on lap 21 an hour later.)
is what I’m doing right now!
("Intro" plays over the opening title screen.)
Michael Aranda's Apartment
(The camera points out at the apartment building across the parking lot from Michael's balcony. The rain hits the top of the metal parking spot hangings.)
Michael Aranda's Ford Mustang – 12:44 PM MDT
Michael Aranda: It’s pretty rainy today. It seems like maybe we are out of the snowy season, but Nick Jenkins said that in Missoula you can never really be sure that you’re done with the snow until, like, the Fourth of July weekend. There’s a very popular hot springs location west of here in Idaho, called Jerry Johnson Hot Springs, and last week it rained enough that the area flooded and totally destroyed the, uh... I guess there’s this big pool that a bunch of people like to soak in up there. The article that I was reading about it made it seem like we’re getting higher than average precipitation so far this year. Today begins the last week that I have to work at Complexly fulltime. And today’s to-do list is Crash Course Sociology.
(Drums and the engine revving play over a speed up shot out the car windshield of rain as Michael drives down the street.)
Best Buy – 3:01 PM MDT
Michael: Breaking news! Maybe. My search for Apple Air Pods might be coming to an end, because I just called
(The camera turns away from Michael toward the storefront as Michael points at the Best Buy sign.)
Best Buy and I asked if they had Air Pods, the guy checked, and he says they have one pair. But! There is a non-zero chance that he thought I said “ear pods” not “Air Pods” because those are two products that sounds very similar, but they’re not the same.
(The doors of the Best Buy open as Michael walks into the store.)
(Michael walks back through the parking lot with an Air Pods box and a receipt.)
Michael: Boom! I got ‘em! I guess somebody returned them, so they’re an open box. So I got $15 off because someone else has already put these in their ears.
Katelyn Salem's Jeep
(Katelyn Salem puts her seatbelt on.)
Michael: How does that make you feel?
(Katelyn Salem laughs.)
Katelyn: I mean, that’s what I’m all about. If I can get a little bit of money off I don’t care if it was slightly used.
Michael Aranda's Apartment
(Michael opens the Air Pods box on the window sill in his bedroom.)
Michael: So here’s, uh... some Air Pods in this little... thing.
(Michael pulls out the Air Pods charging case and flips open the top of it to reveal the Air Pods.)
There they are.
(Michael holds up the charging case to Kelsey, who turns around as he says her name.)
Kelsey, do you need any floss?
(Kelsey hesitantly reaches out, takes the charging case, and opens it.)
Kelsey: Oh.
(Kelsey pulls out one of the Air Pods and pretends to floss her teeth with it.)
Should I rub my teeth on them? It does look like a floss container.
(Michael walks up to Index with the charging case, who immediately begins to rub his head on it.)
Michael: Kitty look! Something for you to chew on! Eh, he’s less in a chewing mood, and more in a head rubbing mood.
(Index starts to bite the charging case.)
Oh! There he goes.
Valerie Barr's House
(The camera shows a close up of a Cylon Basestar model from the Battlestar Galactica board game.)
Marie Ann Fernandez-Silva: Shuffle it!
Stefan Chin: Do a little shoofle doofle. Woo hoo woo! Shoot!
(The camera pans up to show Stefan shuffling a deck of cards.)
Ceri Riley: Shoofi—Shoofi doofie.
Marie Ann: Okay, one face down. You’re fine.
Stefan: (Breathily) Okay.
(Stefan pulls four cards from the deck and flips them over, then hands the rest to Marie Ann.)
Okay. Oh, a six, a three, five, minus two. Discards. I’m gonna look at... Nicole’s.
Silvia Roma: Are you able to say anything about it or you just have to be quiet?
Stefan: (Suspiciously) We can trust her.
(Stefan winks exaggeratedly and everyone laughs.)
Marie Ann: But can we trust Stefan?!
Nicole: Oooo! I could pick somebody higher—could—Well no, I think it passes before.
Michael: It’s not looking good for the humans.
(Silvia laughs.)
Nicole: I just sacrificed myself to save my people, like a good president.
(Michael points to the spinners on the board. Stefan is reading the rules.)
Michael: We’re down to five moral and four population.
Stefan: Oh!
Nicole: N—Confirmed! Confirmed!
Stefan: For sure. Confirmed! Which is what I told you at the beginning of the game.
Michael: Humans lost because Stefan was a secret Cyclon the whole time!
(Stefan cackles evilly.)
Nicole: No, not the whole time.
Stefan: N—Yeah, half the time.
Michael: Half the time!
Walmart
Michael: Kelsey’s about to do her first bacon slap.
(Kelsey stands several feet away holding the package of bacon.)
Kelsey: Is it in slow motion?
("Empire" plays over a slow motion shot of Kelsey passing the bacon package between her legs four times and them shooting the bacon into the basket at Michael's feet.)
(Kelsey holds up two thumbs up.)
Kelsey: Did it.
(Kelsey laughs.)
Michael Aranda's Ford Mustang – 6:45 PM MDT
(Throughout this conversation, Michael talks in a flat, forced manner. Kelsey joins him by talking as if she's teaching a class of young children.)
Michael: Hi Kelsey. Remember that one time when we filmed a thing but it wasn’t actually recording?
Kelsey: Mhm.
Michael: Good times.
Kelsey: Good times.
Michael: I guess we’re gonna re-enact what happened now in a very... unstaged way.
Kelsey: (Robotically) Oh Kay.
Michael: Gee Kelsey. Where are you going on vacation?
Kelsey: Well Michael, I’m gonna be going to Arizona.
Michael: Oh, why are you going to Arizona?
Kelsey: Because it’s my second week of spring break and my parents have a house down there.
Michael: But you know what that means: I won’t see you five whole days.
Kelsey: Aaaahhhh!
Michael: Aaaahhh!
Kelsey: Such sadness. Such tears.
(Michael and Kelsey talk normally again.)
Michael: How do I get to the airport from here?
Kelsey: Straight.
Michael: Okay, I know where I am now. We hatched this plan for Kelsey to take my old iPhone to use for vlogging purposes while in Arizona. And I encouraged her to do things that would give me an excuse to use click-baity thumbnails.
Kelsey: And so then I suggested lewd bikini photos by the pool. Or... sexy sandwich eating from Potbelly.
Michael: I am down with the sexy sandwich eating.
Kelsey: And then I think we laughed. And then... we realized the camera was off.
Michael: But you know what, that’s okay. Because... sometimes, moments, you just have to experience them for yourself and for nobody else. I just saw a helicopter take off.
Kelsey: If you had the opportunity, would you go in a helicopter?
Michael: For... maybe a year or two of my... junior high, late elementary school life, I really wanted to become a helicopter pilot. There was a game called Sim Copter that I played a lot. For some reason that reminded me of... One time, I was talking to Samantha about something related to Hank Green. I think I asked a question and she said, “I don’t know. Ask Hank.” But just the way way she said it, with the words all slurred together, it sounded like she just said “ass kank”. And I was like, “What the heck is an ass kank?”
Missoula International Airport
Michael: I’m gonna film you walking away in slow motion so I can play sad music to it.
(Kelsey pretends to walk away while happily swinging her arms up in front of her chest.)
Kelsey: What if I do a jaunty walk? Will it still be sad?
Michael: Uh... sure.
(Poignant piano music plays over Kelsey crab walking and shimmying away from Michael while looking into the camera.)
("Outro" plays over the end screen.)