A Thing For Buns

Transcript

Michael’s Car

Michael Aranda: (singing) Hot!

Todd Williams: (grunts)

Michael: Hot!

Todd: (grunts)

Michael: It’s too hot in here!

Todd’ Really warm.

Michael: It’s too hot!

Todd: I don’t really like this heat thing…

Michael: It’s too hot!

Todd: Uuuuggggghhhhh.

Michael: Gotta plug in my phone so it doesn’t die— ow.

Todd: How do you make the air go?

Michael: Well, if I turn it on right this second, —

Todd: It’s gonna be hot?

Michael: —it’s gonna be kind of warm probably?

Todd: Ugh.

Michael: Oh, no, that’s not too bad. So this morning, Todd is going to get a haircut—

Todd: See this? See this hot mess? What I would do in the past in this kind of heat weather— I’d just go ahead and shave my head, like buzz it or- or shave it all the way down to the skin. I get mistaken for a very mean person.

Michael: Very mean person?

Todd: People are al- people are like, “Ooh, I don’t wanna mess with that guy,” but I’m like, “I’m just a friendly fella!” Normally I go for the buzz, but uh- I’m trying- trying to stay away from uh, seeing, you know, um, what kind of styles these ladies at this- at this fancy hair salon called Supercuts— So the last haircut I got was like a month ago, and it was at this place in Missoula — Coupon Cuts or something like that, I don’t know, it was something like ridicul- it was super cheap — and I got what I paid for. The first haircut I got at Missoula I paid like, closer to forty dollars for, so that one was pretty fancy. So I’m hopin’ the Supercuts will meet me halfway.

Michael: This Supercuts once cut my hair, and it was okay.

Todd: Yeah?

Michael: Yeah.

Todd: Well you have- you have pretty, like, particular requirements for your hair. Like, the sideburns have to be tapered a certain way, you know, and all that.

Michael: Do they?

Todd: Yeah!

Michael: I don’t—

Todd: I’ve noticed that!

Michael: I don’t really…

Todd: Unless that’s— your hair just doesn’t grow right.

Michael: Every time I… (laughs) Whenever I go into a- a salon and I have a new stylist, and they’re always like, “What do you want?” And I’m like, Well, this is kind of what I’ve done in the past, but I don’t know, I trust you.” I just let them do what they—

Todd: Well that’s— that’s what I normally say too, they always say, “So what’re we going to do?” and I say, “You decide,” and then— A couple times, they’re- they get mad at me. The last couple times they got mad at me! And I’m like, “Well, I- I don’t wanna- I… (to Michael) I think you and I have a similar thing where, um… I have a hard time, like… uh seeing like, what looks all right and what doesn’t. Same thing with clothes: I don’t know, like - I could look in the mirror and- for an hour, wearing something I guess- I guess! I don’t know. So I always have to ask other people, “What do you think?” And every time I ask you, you tell me, (noises of not knowing)

Michael: I am- I am not a hair stylist.

Todd: So there’s been a handful of times that they’re like, “Okay!” They get- they get a smile on their face, and they just go to work and it ends up being great. Other times, they’re just like, “No, we’re not gonna do anything until you tell us what you want.” I’m like, “Well, okay, do short on the sides longer on the top, that’s all I know.” Anyway… This is, uh, what you would consider to be a first world problem. I guess, uh, when- when next you see me, they’ll know how it turned out. (laughs)

Michael: (laughs

In-N-Out’’’

Michael: In-N-Out! That is what a hamburger is all about.

(inside the restaurant: din of customers, staff, the kitchen)

Michael: What do you think it is that makes In-N-Out so tasty?

Todd: Well, everything is fresh. I actually watched a Huell Ho- Howser episode of Golden California or whatever it’s called about this, and uh, he went to their headquarters and interviewed them. So all their locations are with in a- a truck drive away from their processing plants or whatever, so they’re able to deliver the fresh supplies every day, every morning.

Michael: We’ve been talking about the dough they use for the bread. It’s like a spongy- spongy dough. I think that has something to do with it; uh, the way they toast the bun I feel like is unique to In-N-Out;…

Todd: So you just have a thing for buns.

Michael: (laughs) Sure.

Todd: Is what you’re saying.

Michael: Sure.

(Michael shows his burger, then shows Todd eating his own burger. Sounds of crackling wrapping paper.)

Michael: Woooow!

Stefan’s Parents’ House: Living Room

Michael: This is—

Stefan’s Dad: You don’t have to take a picture— (incoherent)

Michael: This is- this is Lem’s- Lem’s iPhone! You’re still running super old iOS!

Stefan’s Dad: No! It’s a really good iOS.

(Stefan laughs)

Michael: This is super old!

Stefan’s Dad: I can take pictures now.

Michael: (scrolling through phone) Uh, App Store is right here. You want App Store.

Stefan’s Dad: Yeah?

Stefan’s Parent’s House: Kitchen

Michael: Stefan and I are playing Age of Empires II, which came out in, what, 1999? Um, but on this 4K screen, it’s so tiny! I can hardly see how much wood I have! And—

(Stefan laughs, mumbles something)

Michael: What is—? There’s wood, and then what?

Stefan Chin: Uh, it goes wood, food, gold, stone, and then your supply—

Michael: I can’t see it! How do I play this game? This is gonna be… silly.

FRIDAY JULY 1, 2016

Carl’s Jr.

Michael: In true suburban California style, starting the day off with some fast food. (high fives Todd)

Todd: But it’s a certain kind of fast food.

Michael: Carl’s Jr. fast food. Have you tried the California Classic?

Todd: I did on uh, my way back with the cat.

Michael: Good? Bad?

Todd: I don’t know, by the time I ate it it was cold, so eh.

(Michael fills his cup with Dr. Pepper at the soda fountain)

Waitress: Are you done?

Michael: Yep.

Waitress: Great. (gives Michael his food)

Michael: Thank you.

Waitress. You’re welcome.

Michael: I haven’t had a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger in a long time.

Stefan: Two onion rings, two pieces of cheese, two pieces of meat, two pieces of bacon. (paper rustling, Michael chuckles) Two pieces of bread.

Michael: Too fast, too furious.

Stefan: That captures, uh, the Double Western.

Palm Desert, California

Michael: All right, my brother and I have come out to Palm Desert to visit the grandparents. It’s kind of hot, it’s a hundred and two degrees. Whew!

...

(pointing to a kokopelli ornament) Got the kokopelli.

...

So I guess what’s cool about living in a retirement community is you get to drive a golf cart around! (golf cart backing noise) Do they all make this really awesome noise when you’re backing up? What’s this baby’s top speed?

Michael’s Grandmother: About twelve.

(laughing)

Michael: Twelve miles an hour? All right, I’m ready. Floor it!

Michael’s Grandmother: Twelve. We did it!

Michael: Woo!

Michael’s Brother: (laughs) It’s floored.

’’’Parking Lot’’’

Michael: Could you feel the difference in the amount of power this thing had with an extra (gestures to brother and himself) three hundred and fifty pounds on it? (laughs)

Michael’s Grandfather: Yep.

Michael’s Grandmother: Or the lack thereof.

Boulevards Bar & Grill

Michael: Boulevards Bar and Grill. Don’t forget the cane.

Michael’s Grandmother: That’s exactly what I’m waiting to do.

Michael: How often do you forget the cane places?

Michael’s Grandfather: I have. A couple times, yeah.

Michael’s Grandmother: Ummm, that’s why I carry an extra one in the car. But we don’t have the car.

Michael: Do they make collapsible ones that you can put in a purse?

Michael’s Grandmother: Yeah, but they’re obviously a lot more expensive.

Parking Lot

(cicadas buzzing)

Michael: Ah, well, you’ve got some cicadas!

Michael’s Grandmother: You think so!

Michael: Whew!

Michael’s Grandmother: They can be noisy. ‘’’Michael:’’’ What is it about the desert that attracts old people? Like when I’m an old man, am I gonna feel this- this intense draw to retire in the desert? It’s quiet?

Michael’s Grandmother:’’’ It’s quieter, it’s—

Michael: It keeps the youngin’s away?

Michael’s Grandmother: It’s cheaper.

Michael: I did really like, uh, Santa Fe, which I guess is high desert. Sometimes when I think about where I’ll be when I retire I think about Santa Fe, that’d be nice.

Michael’s Brother: I’d like to be able to experience both the desert and the northwest.

Michael: Hm. Both the desert and the non-desert?

Michael’s Brother: I’d like a winter home in the northwest, a summer home in the desert. Spring break home in the… Rockies, or something.

(golf cart starts to go)

Michael: Ooh! We’re movin’!

Michael’s Grandparents’ House

Michael: I see a kitty!

Kitty: Mew.

(Michael’s Brother talks softly in the background)

Michael: Hi, kitty.

Kitty: Meow.

Michael: Hey. (Cat leaves) Oh, bye.