A Russian, an Englishman, and a German Walk into a Bar
Episode Information[edit | edit source]
- Date of video
- February 4th, 2014
- Date of upload
- February 5th, 2014
- Duration
- 10 minutes 55 seconds
- Edited by
- Michael Aranda
- Appearances by
- Michael Aranda
- Emily Graslie
- Rob Scallon
- Craig Benzine
- Chyna (née Pate) Benzine
- Katie Kirby
- Michael Phillip Thomas
- Anna Goldman
Location[edit | edit source]
- Chicago, Illinois
Transcript[edit | edit source]
In the Field Museum Lab
Michael: Today we're filming the dissection of a two-headed calf.
Emily: (in the background) That's awesome.
Other Field Museum employees: (in the background) Ok. It's got a little... Aw! It's got a little...Oh, he does! So, he has four eyeballs, right? Yeah. And his jaw is...His legs are crazy! He's teeth are, uh, just like little baby teeth.
Emily: Twice the brains!
Michael: (chuckles once) Twi--! Are you gonna scoop them?
Museum Employee: Twice the scooping.
Emily: Yeah, probably twice the scoopage.
Michael: (makes sound of disgust)
Emily: Which is horribly graphic...if you can...I'm sure you're all imagining it now, but you get something that's stuck and you can't really, like, sit down with this mother cow and tell her to breathe deeper, push harder. You just kinda gotta use some machines...two faces. Yeah.
Anna: Tell her "Your calf has two, two heads."
Emily: (not sure what she says here) You are...have to...just...grab the chief around its legs and pull.
Michael: I'm about to show you a...um...an animal that has been taken apart. So, if that's not something you wanna see...look elsewhere.
Emily: (while making the leg flex and relax) This is the, the hind, right leg. And I just think this is awesome. I can move this and watch the whole leg move. Mechanics! I'm just, like, moving my hand back and forth and the entire appendage is moving. Imagine him running! Running away!
Anna: Which he will never, ever do!
Emily: No! Because ya got two faces.
Michael: This is the skull of the two-headed calf. It's pretty intense.
Anna: And the four eye sockets.
Emily: It's...It's been a crazy, crazy day here on the Brain Scoop.
Anna: It's been very intense. Very intense.
Michael: (chuckling) And here's the four eyeballs.
Emily: I have got to get a picture of those right, exactly as they are before we end the day.
Out on the street
Michael: It's snowing! (sounds of traffic passing) (Michael chuckles)
Potbelly Sandwich Shop
Michael: I'm eating at Potbelly because Potbelly is delicious. And they still have peppermint shakes left over from the holiday season. So we were just discussing, does ice cream go bad? 'Cause sugar is in it, and that should be fine. But there's milk in it. There's milk in the ice cream.
Emily: Ah-I d-It's not--The milk isn't gonna spoil if it remains frozen, but it's gonna get freezer burned. And if you ever keep, ya know, ya keep, keep it in your freezer for a long time, and it'll sometimes get that tackiness on top of it, like, yeah, it's gross.
Katie: Yeah, it's like sticky, tacky.
Michael: (chuckles)
Out on the street
Michael: We are on our way to Craig and Chyna's place to play board games of some sort.
Emily: Ah!
Michael: Ah!
Emily: Ah!
Michael: Ah!
Emily: Doh.
Michael: Doh.
What would you have done if you turned around and I was just gone?
Emily: (laughs) I w--What'd you mean, like, would you've just been talking to yourself and then...not there?
Michael: Well, I mean, aside from me talking, like, if you guys were just walking and then you turned around and you're like, "Oh! Michael's gone!"
Emily: I would've been mad because I don't know my way back to the station and it's cold!
Michael: The sound of snow crunching makes me uncomfortable. I also don't like it when people chew on ice. The sound of ice crunching is glaaarh (sound of disgust).
Emily: What?
Michael: The sound of ice crunching.
Emily: It's awesome!
Michael: I don't like it!
Emily: I love it.
Katie: I always eat my ice.
Michael: That's my "nails-on-the-chalkboard" sound.
Katie: What?
Michael: I don't know if I can make it, guys! I don't know about this.
Emily: C'mon, Michael. (Katie cheers in the background)
Michael: It's pretty snowy.
Emily: Four feet!
Michael: I can't do it.
In Craig and Chyna's place
Michael: Ahhh, it sure does feel nice in front of this, this brilliant fire. Oh, that was weird, Chyna, I saw your reflection in the fire. How did that happen?
Chyna: Um, I'm a ghost?
Emily: In the cr--I didn't know that your fire had...(in the background) subtitles.
Craig: We put, we put the space heater right here...
Michael: Oh! (general laughter at Craig placing the space heater behind Michael) Oh, it's so warm.
Craig: Yeah.
Michael: Wow.
Katie: I love the "popping" subtitles. (laughter)
Michael: Hey, Craig!
Craig: Hey!
Michael: How are you?
Craig: Is this what you're doing right now?
Michael: This sure is!
Craig: Huh. It's like I'm watching you on the internet but I'm watching you in real life at the same time.
Michael: (high pitched, whining noise) (explosion noise) Brain explode!
Craig: Yup. Hi. Hi. What'd you call 'em? WhatImDoingRightNow-ers?
Michael: Uhhh, I don't know. I've never thought of a--
Chyna: (in the background) WhatImDoers?
Craig: What-ers?
Michael:I just kind of lump all of them together as, like, Arandanauts.
Craig: Mmhmm. Arandanauts.
Michael: Yeah.
Craig: On all channels?
Michael: Yeah.
Craig: (laughing) You gotta separate, man, you gotta segregate, is what you really gotta do. Uh, that's the lesson.
Before playing the game "Seven Wonders"
Emily: So, you've already got ore, so you need to get three more ore, but before you do that, you need to get two wood to finish the first one.
Katie: Okay.
Emily: And then these are victory points and whoever has the most victory points at the end of the game wins. But, you can get victory points in a variety of ways. You can be philanthropically inclined, um, to get victory points. I don't entirely know what that entails, I mean...
What was it? Wh--Oxy-mun-gy-dated?
Rob: Hey!
Michael: Look, it's Rob Scallon!
Everyone: Eyyyyy!
Rob: Hey!
Craig: Hey!
Katie: Hi!
Rob: Hi!
Craig: What was your name?
Rob: Rob.
Everyone: Eyyyyyy!
After the game finishes
Chyna: Okay, say your order again.
Craig: (points to Chyna) First, (points to himself) second, (points to other people off screen) third, fourth, fifth. Am I right?
Chyna: That's amazing!
Craig: (laughing) I got it right! Woo!
Everyone: (laughter) (applause)
Chyna: The real winner here is Craig, except that I actually won the game, so...
Emily: Did you really?
Chyna: I did, I won!
Michael: What were our point totals?
Chyna: (points to herself) Fifty-three--
Craig: Good work.
Chyna: (points to Craig) Fifty-one--
Craig: Oooh.
Chyna: (points to Emily) Fifty--
Emily: Ahhhhhh!
Craig: Oh my god!
Chyna: (points to Michael) Thirty-eight, (points to Katie) twenty-eight.
Everyone: (laughter at Katie's low score)
Katie: First time.
Chyna: First time!
Craig: Oh my god! I only lost by t--(to Chyna) 'Cause I gave you all that money! (to Michael) I should've been paying you!
Chyna: You had a discount!
Craig: No, but somethings I could've paid him for that I didn't realize.
Emily: Well, you only beat me by one point, so...I hope.
Michael: We're playing another game, uh, with seven people, which I hear is unheard of.
Craig: Oh my god!
Michael: Ahhh!
Chyna: Ahhh!
Craig: I didn't even hear what you said!
Michael: Ahh! Seven people in one game.
Craig: Unheard of!
Michael: Yeah.
Emily: (asks Michael a questions)
Katie: (says something)
Michael: Oh, I'm picking a thing. This one.
Craig: Pick a card.
After the game
Michael: We just finished our second game of Seven Wonders...What're the results?
Chyna: Okay--
Craig: She's got the highest score I've ever seen in this game. I don't know what it is yet, but I know that she got the highest score I've ever seen.
Chyna: Let's just, let's just defer to the results.
Craig: Alright. Okay, mm-kay.
Chyna: Um, so, in last place, the newcomer, Michael X, sorry, thirty-four points.
Michael PT: Wooo! Yeah, I'm proud of that.
Chyna: Uh, coming up next...two people tied, thirty-seven points, uh, Emily and Craig, actually.
Emily: Yeah! Whoa! (to Katie) You did better than me!
Katie: I...
Chyna: Uh, Katie comes next with forty-three points.
Katie: Oooooh!
Chyna: Rob had forty-five points.
Rob: 'Kay. (He says something else, not sure what.)
Chyna: Michael Aranda had fifty points.
Rob: Very good.
Chyna: And myself, no big deal or anything, it was, it was pretty close in the end, honestly--
Craig: Shut up. Say how much you had.
Chyna: Eighty points.
Craig: Yeah.
Everyone: (general amazement) Wow! Whoa!
Chyna: Ohhhhhhh! I didn't even know that you could get that many points.
Michael: Like, even if you took away all the points you got from your wonder, you'd still be winning by ten points.
Craig: You still would've won.
Chyna: I would still have won. I didn't have to build any stages of my wonder.
Craig: That is the highest score I've ever seen. I don't know if I've ever seen in the seventies.
Emily: I haven't heard any--
Michael: It's those purple cards.
Rob: Pyramids B's...
Emily: If y--Playing--yeah, Giza.
Rob: Giza.
Chyna: Giza be. Giza be.
Rob: You beat that one last time, too.
Watching Craig and Chyna's virtual fireplace
Emily: It's starting to gravitate!
Chyna: Oh my gosh.
Emily: (in the background) I--I can't believe--I can't believe I never noticed it happening before.
Michael: We're all waiting for, for this pivotal moment in this episode of, of fireplace fun time.
Emily: I know we're watching, like, ah, this is, we should've been watching this episode a lot sooner, you guys.
Craig: We should've been watching it a lot closer, as well.
Emily: Yeah. We weren't really giving this video justice.
Rob: When does it break?
Craig: Nyah.
Chyna: It's comin', guys.
Emily: It's gonna happen.
Katie: This is the kinda video where there's so much more the second time through.
Chyna: Chill!
Craig: Chyna, when's it gonna break?!
Emily: I know, yeah. Like, the first time, you're like, I think I got it, and then second time, it's just so like ahh I get it!
Katie: Just so much more supplemental knowledge.
Everyone: Oh! Ah! Crackling!
Emily: Oh man!
Katie: Just in case we missed it.
Craig: Oh! The suspense is--ahhhh!
Michael: Music!
Craig: Oh--No!
Rob: (laughing)
Chyna: How far back did I go?
Rob(?): Like, three years, apparently!
Craig: (groan) Aaaaaaah!
Emily: The suspense, Chyna! I can't--I thought it was gonna happen, then it didn't and I'm like whoaaaa!
Michael PT: It's so close.
Katie: I'm on the edge of my seat!
Michael PT: And, look, some of the log just broke on the right side.
Emily: I will walk away from this.
Chyna: Oh! Oh!
Emily: Is it gonna--?
Katie: I feel like this--
Everyone: (cheering) Ohhhh! Woo hoo! Yeah! Oh!
Craig: It like, it was like, there, and then it was off! And then it fell!
Michael PT: It was in a holding spot forever!
Rob: That was exciting.
Katie: That was amazing!
Emily: Oh my gosh.
Craig: Guys! Remember-member when it was the way it was before? (laughs) It's not that way anymore!
Michael PT: It's different now!
Emily: Academy award, I'm predicting it, it's all on the line right now. Oscar Award-winning performance, for sure.
Rob: It's in a different spatial relationship to the other logs.
Chyna: For sure.
Craig: But yet it still burns, it continues to burn.
Emily: Ahhh.
Out on the street
Michael: Hey, I'm just walking here on the street with my Russian friend, Boris.
Michael PT: (in a Russian accent) Hallo! Is good day!
Michael: How are you, Boris?
Michael PT: In Russia, is not-is not as cold as this! Chicago's very cold.
Michael: Oh?
Michael PT: Yes.
Michael: That's pretty weird.
Michael PT: Is like summertime in Russia, but here is like winter, darkness, Game of Thrones style.
Michael: Yeah. That's crazy. Well, I'm just gonna keep walking now.
Oh, hey, I'm just still walking. I'm here with my, uh, British friend, uh, Alex.
Michael PT: (in a British accent) Uh, ya, uh Alex Reginald the Third, actually, ah. We're walking down a, a brisk, brisk evening in Chicago. Uh, uh, please it, uh, making our noses quite, mmm, normally there not as red as this, um.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Michael PT: Tut tut, cheerio.
Michael: Yeah, good. Just gonna keep walking now. See ya later.
Oh, hey, I'm just walking here with my, my friend, Franz. He's from Germany.
Michael PT: (in a German accent) Ja. Vee go to supermarket und get pizzas und Jack boots(?). They're go to have a rally later, ja?
Michael: Ja!
Michael PT: Unt!
Michael: Huh. Oh. Uh. This is, this is where we stop. Uh, it's been a good walk.